I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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