can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
