So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
