Have you finally orgasmed yet?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
