I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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