ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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