Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
How naked do you want me to be?
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