dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
