Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Randomize
