I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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