Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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