I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
YAS. BRING CRAB.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
