i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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