I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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