the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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