You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
