That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Randomize
