I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
