Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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