I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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