6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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