On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You are the jesus of drinking
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize