I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
