they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
