Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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