I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
