I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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