I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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