Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
