He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
