my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
