Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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