this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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