Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
