the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
