Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
