I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
