i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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