Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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