Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
