Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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