here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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