ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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