weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I supernannyed him into submission
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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