I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i drank out of a bidet.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
