My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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