if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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