Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
