I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
