Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
