I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm having to shit out rocks
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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