I faked an abortion last night.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
